I’m going to throw this out there knowing full well that I’m probably going to get some backlash from preggos everywhere but…the first trimester of pregnancy is by far the hardest of the three.
I’m sticking by this. I know you’re all thinking “Well what about the third trimester when you’re tired and you have this big baby you’re carrying around and your clothes don’t fit and your feet are marshmallows and you sweat a lot?”. Excellent point, but nope. The first trimester brings with it the hope and excitement of a beautiful life change and, if you’re like me, you’ve been wanting this to happen for so long a time you’re tickled pink. But here’s what sucks:
You Get Fluffy: You’re not showing just yet (or maybe you are but I guarantee it looks like bloat or gas and not a baby bump) yet everything is expanding. Boobs get big, hips fan out like an offensive play, and your butt probably also looks like someone is filling it with helium and it may pop soon. Yet you don’t “look pregnant”. Chances are that you’re still waiting to tell everyone so you get to schlep around pretending you just really like bagels with cream cheese and butter for every meal. I retain a lot of water during pregnancy (I also have really big kids apparently) and immediately felt Professor Klump-like upon finding out I was with child. At 9.5 weeks I am up a pant size and I am most certainly up a few bra cups (those bastards have turned against me, all that pain and swelling…threatening to cut them off has proven unsuccessful…sometimes I yell at stuff when I get fed up.)
The Mones: Speaking of yelling at my boobs, your hormones come out to play the second you pee on that stick. I have a sneaking suspicion that they’re on full blast during the first trimester too. The tricky thing about The Mones is there isn’t a warning siren or some obvious physical tick that could clue you in to an eruption coming soon; you just get to ride the ride and do a lot of giggly apologies. I fully understand that those hormones are working to prepare your body and make a baby which is a miracle and precious blah blah blah…I yelled at Big Red because I forgot to switch the laundry over. How is that his fault, you’re wondering? I don’t know, but it was. During the yelling I could hear a tiny, mouse like voice telling me I was being a tad dramatic, but that sweet ‘normal mouse’ pissed off The Mones and it was sentenced to life in brain prison. Then I cried. Crying is the punctuation to every sentence in pregnancy; happy or sad or angry, it all ends with tears. Red likes to test my ability to cry on command like a kid with a chemistry set; he’ll que up some sweet video about a sick child on youtube and yell at me to come watch…cruel man. A few days later you remember what you yelled about and you try to laugh about it saying something cute like “Oh honey, I’m so pregnant I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes! Haha!”. It’s important that you notice what I did there; I excused myself from everything by sweetly pointing out that I’m the one carrying a baby in this marriage and, in essence, get a free freaking pass! Ta Da!
Zombie Mom: Sleepy y’all. Like chemically induced anesthesia sleepy. Like walking around with every intention of being normal when suddenly all your muscles take a break and relax at the same time and you find it difficult to stand. So you sit, and notice that everyone is talking to you in a super low toned robot voice that’s almost impossible to understand (kind of rude of them, huh?)…suddenly you’re two year old wipes a booger on your face saying “Mom mom, I got boogers out!” and you realize you must have dozed off…check the house for fires or marker drawings on the walls. Drag your million pound body up off that couch and try to lean against something while you do the ‘mom’ thing.
Sickness: Ok, don’t drop me in the grease for telling y’all this, however…I don’t get sick during pregnancy (I fell pretty good, actually). BUT I have heard how terrible it can be and how it takes everything out of you so you haven’t even the will to shower, let alone all that other crap we’re supposed to get done everyday. Poor ladies, I wish none of us had to go through this. Lets all pitch in and start a morning sickness fund that will help pay for nannies and maids for the women who suffer from this! Someone get on that.
Weirdness: These may not apply to all pregnant women, and some don’t apply to me but rather a friend of a friend I know who told me once that this happened to their sisters mother-in-law back in the 50’s….so I’m including it. Weird shiz goes down when you’re pregnant; shiz you can’t explain and would have no seemingly real relationship with you’re being knocked up so you think you’re just a nut bar. Breakouts for one thing. Like you don’t already have enough to deal with in the self confidence department you gotta deal with the face of a highschool linebacker? For serious?! This time is better for me, last time was a trip though. Of course I’m very early so I probably just jinxed myself into a proactive commercial. Your hair can start to act like it belongs to someone else; mine is turning super dark, my mother lost all her natural curl during pregnancy, and some lucky ladies get a lions mane of new growth (but it eventually falls out after you have the baby giving way to very dramatic shampoo times in the shower). I can smell any and everything, and it’s gross dude. My eyelashes fall out!! Not all of them, but some. I dunno, I think it’s weird. Dreams are another crazy side effect of pregnancy; sometimes they are absolutely charming and you wake up with a funky grin on your face you can’t really explain away, and sometimes they’re terrifying (which is my case lately) but either way they are always very vivid and very, very real feeling. My joints sometimes feel like they’re going to pop out of place and take off down the road. Craving certain foods is a big one; this girl I knew once had a big thing for nachos and eventually popped out a 9.6 lb kid. Another girl I knew swore she smelled funny her entire pregnancy and her nose had grown. Also your sweet little GI system can go wonky; bloating, burping and farting (I call all this Blarting)…that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Maybe if I had a belly to show for all of this my behavior and appearance would all be quickly dismissed with a loving and knowing “Well, she’s pregnant so…”. But during the first trimester you don’t have the obvious excuse of a baby bump, or the energy or patience to explain what you’re going through to anyone. So you get to be a plump, emotional poof of sleepy fury. I’m like a bridge troll who sleeps most of the day and only pops up to eat innocent goats who are just trying to go play in the meadow…
It’s important to have a good support system in place during this time. I’m blessed to have Big Red and Lil Sista, and my mom. Otherwise I’m quite certain I would have been asked to leave every polite society I attended.