What I am about to do is ill-advised, virtually impossible and probably all wrong…but that’s never stopped me before, so….

Let’s talk diet.  The subject matter of ‘dieting’ is so vast and tangled there is no possible way to simplify it into a post; I know what you’re thinking and I’m not going to stop typing now so suck it.  First and foremost let me divulge a little something about your author: I am a food addict.  A foodie, if you want it to sound cute.  I love food and I frame most of my life around it.  No joke.  If you thought about it you may discover you do too.   Red is also an addict, he openly admits it when we’re laying in bed late at night pillow talking about how amazeballs lasagna is when it’s cooked perfectly; “Like the pasta isn’t too soggy and the cheese is melted just enough but it all sticks together…”  His indulgence is always Ribs and Noodle Salad or a Hamburger.  Mine is Mexican or Italian food (pizza is like a large Italian nacho).  We both grew up on good cooking and an affinity for buttery, deep fried lard on a stick…with gravy.  When I was pregnant and indulged a craving it was down right orgasmic!!  If you’ve ever been preggo you totally understand that feeling; it’s just so satisfying!  That, my friends, is partly why I gained so much baby bumper during those nine months (it’s really ten, but hey). I recently had a friend tell me I looked like I was “stung by the fat bee” when I was pregnant…it’s funny because it’s true!  Just keep in mind that this is the person currently talking to you about dieting….that’s all I’m saying. :0)

Yaya brought up something the other day in one of our many daily conversations that really resonated with me; she said she was just so confused about which diet plan to go with and how they all contradict each other, she wouldn’t know where to start.  Brilliant!  Such a good point!  Weight Watchers? Atkins? NutriSystem?  Good old fashioned rice cakes?  It ain’t easy to find that starting line for the weight loss race.

I humbly offer my perspective on this perplexing Sophie’s Choice.  You need to clean it up!  Eat meats, fruits and vegetables.  That’s it.  Easy peasy. Choo Choo, it’s the truth train!!

Ok, I’m sorry about the train metaphor; it was dumb and juvenile.  But that’s exactly where to start if you’re wanting to kick off a diet.  Dairy is inflammatory and causes bloat and poofy bra fat, so cut that shit out.  Processed foods are as nutritionally valuable as cork, so buh bye.  Sugar…is my mortal enemy (deep sigh..).  Alcohol is all kinds of horrible (although an excellent social lubricant) so stop imbibing and professing your love and admiration to everyone at the bar (just me?).

It can get much more involved if you want it to; Red measures out everything that he eats to the tenth of an ounce.  I’m serious, we’re on our third food scale! He has a very specific goal toward which he’s working and he knows exactly how to get there.  What’s my goal?  “I dunno, I just don’t wanna be sloppy or dumpy…I wanna look like Heidi Klum.” Not all of us need to be as exact as Red, I don’t like the idea of portion control or calorie counting; If I’m hungry I’m gonna eat, if not then I don’t (I have a kid, I like to keep things as simple as possible).  Red uses an expanded version of the Meat, Fruits and Vegetables program I espouse; he mixes in clean carbs (rice, potatoes etc) because he’s building muscle mass and carbs feed growing muscles.  I mix in some rice after a weight lifting session at the gym, but I didn’t when I was working my way toward my goal weight.

Here’s the best part of my diet:  CHEAT MEAL!!  One day a week Red and I block out 45 min and obliterate some grindage. It’s offensive.  This last cheat meal between the both of us included Ice Cream, Brownies, Shortbread, Cookies, a triple from Whataburger, nachos…maybe a small animal got caught in the whirl…we’re not sure…no way to know…

The cheat meal is essential for two reasons: It keeps you on your diet and it actually helps you lose weight.  If you are doing good and eating well but suddenly come upon a Siren shaped bundt cake it’s o.k., just add it to the docket for your cheat meal later that week.  Red and I have had whole phone conversations centered around how he’s going to dip double stuffed Oreos in half and half.  Truth!  A cheat meal will also jump start your metabolism.  No seriously.   You’re not starving yourself all week, you’re eating steadily and healthy (not over indulging mind you), so your metabolism is churning and burning.  You dump some garbage in there and your body kicks into over drive (blah blah blah, glycogen stores, blah blah).  Point is, you’ll lose weight in the days following your cheat meal.  Sweet ass sweet.

One more little tid bit:  Women, you should be getting at least 100 grams of protein a day.  Yep, that’s a lot.  First, protein helps with skin elasticity.  One of the things people who have gastric bypass are told after surgery is to consume mass amounts of protein to help their skin retract and decrease sagging as they drop weight (baby bump, anyone?).  Secondly, it takes protein to build muscle and muscle burns fat.  Nuf said there.  Third, most of your body is made of protein (skin, hair, nails, muscles…); it needs that macro-nutrient to run efficiently and burn effectively. Fourth, it’s more satiating than carbs so you feel fuller on less.  Red is currently reciting a list of positive attributes about increased protein consumption out loud to me from the kitchen, all I can think is he’s super cute with his new hair cut.  So just trust me, it’s key to weight loss and body shape.

Mmmmkay, I think that’s all.  That’s the meal plan I followed to lose the weight and how I keep the weight off.  Personally I like to keep things simple (I tend to get confused pretty easily, or lose interest) so when I was working off that extra poundage I stuck to tuna fish with egg whites and relish and protein shakes; it was simple and easy to make (totally cheap too).  At some point you will have to take a look at where you want to be, specifically, and start modifying your diet to get there. For example I am at my goal weight, but now I want to build muscle.  So I started dropping some rice into my chicken (and on the floor) after work outs.  Red is the master mind on that stuff, he’s much more knowledgeable and learned on the subject of nutrition.  I just know what works for me :0) It will work for you too.

Another Tip?  I don’t know if this is a tip or not, actually.  When I get home with John everyday we crank up the tunes and play til bed time.  Music playing in the house keeps me active and dancing (it’s white girl dancing…so it ain’t cute) which keeps my energy level up and the calories being burned.  BJ (before John) I would come home, plop my whale-sized posterior on the couch and watch re-runs of The Office.  Maybe that’s where the Fat Bee was hiding, in the couch cushions….  Anyway, you can burn more calories and it really does make a difference.  Is it sexy to come home from work to find your wife trying to booty dance in socks holding a laundry basket??  Nope.  But it’s pathetic enough to get some hugs.

Message me if you have specific questions about any of this stuff, I’ll be as helpful as I can.  And for all of you skinny bitches who can eat Doritos and lose weight….you know where you can go.


  1. 1
    Kelvin Johnson says:

    Just wondering – are Taco Bueno Nachos a meat, fruit, or vegetable?

  2. 2

    Sick burn!! A vegetable, duh. Beans, corn chips…totally a vegetable.

  3. 3

    Great read! There was a 3-1/2 year period in my life that I was either pregnant or nursing and I consumed massive amounts of food without recourse. As soon as I stopped nursing the weight began to pack on, and fast! I have, in the last year, managed to lose 25lbs by exercising and eating fruits, veggies, meats, some carbs and some sweets. It wasn’t easy, but the pay off has been worth it! I became a triathlete and have inspired my best friend and my 4yr old to do the same! How cool is that!? Anyways, I’m rambling now…

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